Who will win? A six-act police drama for a TV audience
Act 1:
Scene: A public library
Characters: Lieutenant Columbo, Sargent Heatherington, a dead body
Columbo:
I hope you have a good reason for calling me here, Heatherington. My wife told me to change my suit, but my other suit was at the dry cleaners. I was on my way to exchange suits, and you called me in. I hope the media are not here. I’d hate to give the police force a bad impression.
Heatherington:
Sorry, Lieutenant. When we went through the deceased’s wallet, we found an unusual driver’s license. We phoned the Captain, and he said get Columbo to the crime scene ASAP.
Columbo:
So who is this victim? Looks just like an ordinary dead rich guy to me.
Heatherington:
The California license said, “American Democracy.”
Columbo:
So who would want to kill American Democracy? And why?
Heatherington:
“Why” I cannot answer. But the “who” was easy. I sent four officers to interview people in and around the library. Officer Hunt found an old man crying near the library dumpster.
Columbo:
And his name?
Heatherington:
Republican Party.
Columbo:
And?
Heatherington:
Republican Party’s in the Precinct #18’s jail cell. It didn’t take us much to break him down. He is singing like a canary. He said he killed Democracy in the Library with a candlestick. The case is closed as far as I can see.
Columbo:
Maybe, maybe not. The Captain called me in for a reason.
Heatherington:
So you want to talk to Republican Party?
Columbo:
Not just yet. I have a hunch. Who benefits most from this murder and putting Republican Party in prison?
Act 2
Scene: Office of Democratic Party
Characters: Lieutenant Columbo, Democratic Party, Linda
Linda:
Chief, there is a Lieutenant Columbo here to see you. He says he is a detective from LAPD.
Democratic Party:
Sheesh. I have a full day of appointments.
Linda:
He is rather insistent. He says he needs only 10 minutes of your time.
Democratic Party:
OK, let him in. When Ms. Freehold gets here, stall her as best you can. She won’t be happy to wait. Tell her there seems to be some police business.
Linda:
OK Chief . . . . Lieutenant, you can come in now.
Democratic Party:
Linda, please close the door after you leave.
Columbo:
(offers hand) Lieutenant Columbo, Detective squad for the LAPD
Democratic Party:
(shaking hands) I’m Democratic Party. Nice to meet you, Lieutenant. I should tell you that your visit is a surprise. And I have a full schedule.
Columbo:
I didn’t want to come here. The Captain sent me. He’s kind of a stickler for the details. . . . Have you heard about the murder of American Democracy?
Democratic Party:
Yes, I have. It’s most unfortunate. . . . And I’ve heard the LAPD has already found the murderer.
Columbo:
So, how well do you know Republican Party? Sorry to ask this question. But it’s the Captain making me do this, you know.
Democratic Party:
What can I say? We were in close association for many years. Close, but confrontational. We were mostly engaged in useless arguing. Things got worse in the past decade. I’m not surprised at the murder. The man seems to be a psycho.
Columbo:
So it’s safe to say that you were not friendly.
Democratic Party:
No Lieutenant, we were not. But if you are insinuating that I had something to do with this murder . . .
Columbo:
No, there’s no insinuation. Republican Party’s confessed. The Captain just wants me to tie up some loose ends with this case. Your perspectives might be useful to reach the proper police conclusion.
Democratic Party:
Whatever the LAPD needs, you can call on me.
Columbo:
That’s good to hear. Here is my card. Give my office a shout if something crosses your mind.
Democratic Party:
Will do.
Columbo:
Just one more thing . . . . you said that you and Republican Party used to get along a lot better.
Democratic Party:
Yeah. We respected each other back then. We still had disgreements, but when the vote was taken, we respected the majority vote.
Columbo:
So when did this all change, in your opinion?
Democratic Party:
Maybe in the late 1970s, when more women and people of color were elected to Congress. We Democrats set up those conditions to happen, you know. Republican Party seemed not to like that change.
Columbo:
I see, I see. That’s enough for now. Thank you for your time in your busy schedule.
Act 3
Scene: Driving range of a local golf course.
Characters: Lieutenant Columbo, Democratic Party
The two are next to each other on the range
Columbo:
<whack> go, go, go . . . 130 yards.
Columbo:
<whack> go, go, go . . . 140 yards, that’s a little better.
Democratic Party:
(Turning to his driving range neighbor): That’s a familiar voice. So Lieutenant Columbo, what brings you here?
Columbo:
Well, I was just driving by your office, had a little time to kill, and I thought I would stop by. Your secretary, Linda-that’s-her-name-right? She said you went to the driving range.
Democratic Party:
<whack> You came to see me?
Columbo:
<whack>. Maybe. Maybe not. I’m working on three different murder cases, and the Captain is breathing down my neck. When Linda suggested ‘driving range,” I thought maybe hitting some balls for a half hour would be good for me to unwind.
Democratic Party:
You know Lieutenant, if you took your trenchcoat off, you could get another 20 yards.
Columbo:
You’re right. But I am still punching the clock at the police station, so I need to have a detective appearance. Probably doesn’t matter here, but it’d bother me to be so casual.
Democratic Party:
<whack> Suit yourself. But something tells me you’re still on some police business.
Columbo:
<whack> Damn, barely made 100 yards on that one. Maybe I should take your advice. . . . . But there’s another thing bothering me.
Democratic Party:
<whack> What’s that?
Columbo:
It’s about 2016. You remember the Republican primary.
Democratic Party:
Quite well. I wasn’t there in person, but I watched a lot of it on TV.
Columbo:
The Republicans had a big field of candidates. Remember? Kasich, Bush, Rubio, Cruz, and a few others I can’t recall. They all had some great career and political experience — except one.
Democratic Party:
I assume you’re referring to Donald Trump.
Columbo:
You see where I’m going with this, don’t you? You see, Donald Trump is quite famous. But he was the only one who had not really accomplished anything — except being rich and a TV star. So many business failures on his record. How the hell does one lose money by building a casino, anyway?
Democratic Party:
That is a mystery someone should solve. So what’s the connection?
Columbo:
Well, you watched the same TV news as I was watching. The media just loved this man. They gave most of their attention to Mr. Trump. I liked John Kasich, he’s a sensible guy. He knows average Americans. He likes law and order. But to see him on the TV screen, that just didn’t happen. How could Republican voters know more about him if he couldn’t get his message out there?
Democratic Party:
Your point being?
Columbo:
I’m just looking at how to win elections. In your case, it would seem to me that Donald Trump would better your chances than with John Kasich, right?
Democratic Party:
Well, we really don’t have much say in the Republican Party.
Columbo:
No, but maybe you have some allies in the media. Some of those media are quite left-wing. Surely they would favor Trump’s primary election? You know, put the buffoon constantly on the TV screen. Better than putting the sensible guy. Better for you at least.
Democratic Party:
Lieutenant, I can assure you that we did not manipulate the media in the Republican primary. We really don’t have much control of what they say and do.
Columbo:
Yes, but it sure seems convenient to me. The media should’ve given equal time to all the candidates. At least until they dropped out. Right?
Democratic Party:
I will say again we had nothing to do with this. And even if we did have this influence, that plan sure backfired on us.
Columbo:
<whack> that’s a good point. Thanks for clarifying that. . . And look, 160 yards!
Act 4
Scene: an upscale restaurant,
Characters: Lieutenant Columbo, Democratic Party,
The two actors are sitting at different tables with different people. Columbo gets up and approaches Democratic Party’s table.
Democratic Party:
Lieutenant, for some reason, we seem to be crossing paths these days.
Columbo:
It does seem to be a coincidence, doesn’t it? Detective Harrison and I are working on the Van Nuys murder as well. You’ve probably read about that in the papers. The usual rich guy with big life insurance policy dies — and there is a grieving widow. Not as famous as the American Democracy murder, but the police work still needs to get done. Harrison and I decided to make it a working supper to see why the usual dots are not connecting. . . . and here you are.
Democratic Party:
Well, it’s good to see our civil service going the extra mile to serve the people.
Columbo:
I’ve got my notes on our table. I wanted to write some stuff down. Then we realized that neither of us have a pen.
Democratic Party:
So you want to borrow a pen?
Columbo:
That’s right. . . . At the police station, we have this office manager named Joan. She is in charge of office supplies. If we want something, we have to ask her.
Democratic Party:
And . . . ?
Columbo:
She could just leave a container of pens at her desk, right? When we detectives need a pen, we just walk to her desk and grab one. No, Joan can’t do that. We have to ask her for a pen. She goes to the cabinet and gets us a pen. She’s never refused us. But it’s annoying.
Democratic Party:
Maybe there’re some office protocols you’re not aware of? After all, an open stationary cabinet is an invitation to take more than you need.
Columbo:
I thought that too. But none of my colleagues can recall ever making that rule. . . . You know what I think? I think Joan just wants to have power over us detectives and has made her own rules. She gets a little buzz when we have to ask her each time.
Democratic Party:
Some people are power hungry, are they not?
Columbo:
For sure. It’s too bad some people are so petty. Finding silly reasons to get more power.
Democratic Party:
Here, Lieutenant, take my pen.
Columbo:
I’ll bring it back when we are done.
Democratic Party:
That’s OK. I have extras. We don’t have a “Joan” at our office.
Act 5
Scene: Office of Democratic Party
Characters: Lieutenant Columbo, Democratic Party, Linda
Linda:
Chief, Lieutenant Columbo is here to see you.
Democratic Party:
Just when I thought I had a break to catch up on some reading. . . . Let him in.
Linda:
OK. . . . Lieutenant, you can come in.
Columbo:
Sorry for the intrusion. I have a day off, so I’m taking the wife to Mario’s, you know that great Italian Restaurant on Beverly Glen for lunch. She’s in the car waiting, so this won’t be long.
Democratic Party:
That’s nice of you. It’s a great restaurant. I like their Risotto.
Columbo:
Well, we were just driving by your office and a thought just came to me. I should follow up before I lose it. So I took a little digression. The wife is a little annoyed, so I’ll be quick.
Democratic Party:
What’s on your mind, Lieutenant?
Columbo:
You know about that Epstein file thing?
Democratic Party:
Yes, we are aware of this issue. It was terrible what happened to those young girls.
Columbo:
Here’s what I don’t get. Epstein died in 2019, right? Some say suicide; some say an inside job; anyways, that does not matter to us in LA. What gets me is that the Biden administration had the files from 2021 to 2024 and did nothing to move this case forward.
Democratic Party:
Well we had so much to fix after the first Trump administration. We used many of the justice resources to put many of the January 6 rioters in prison. There just was not any extra for Epstein.
Columbo:
Fair enough, politics is about setting priorities. But what gets me is that after we had the change in administration, the Epstein files became an important issue again. Can you explain that to me?
Act 6
Scene: A Democratic Rally
Characters: Lieutenant Columbo, Democratic Party, Linda, many other Democrats
Democratic Party is shaking hands with a few attendees, who are moving in a line. Columbo is in the line and reaches Democratic Party
Democratic Party:
Lieutenant Columbo, what brings you to our rally?
Columbo:
Well, sir. I’m just a citizen trying to figure out who to vote for in the next election. I thought I just might get some insights at this event. You know, those newspapers aren’t always reporting the truth.
Democratic Party:
It’s good you are here to find a different perspective. I can direct you to a seat close to the front if you want.
Columbo:
No, at high school, I was kind of a back-of-room student. Just watch and listen, staying out of the teacher’s radar.
Democratic Party:
Suit yourself. I see there’s still quite a few seats at the back. You can find your way there, I take it.
Columbo:
No problem, I like to walk anyways. It gets me thinking. . . . . . But one thing is bothering me.
Democratic Party:
If this is police business, then maybe we should take it up after the rally. I have a speech to give in 15 minutes.
Columbo:
That’s great. What’s bothering me won’t take any more than five.
Democratic Party:
OK Lieutenant, we’ll do it your way. Let’s move to behind the partition here where our conversation will be more private.
Columbo:
Works for me.
Democratic Party:
(to the people in line) Hello people, I have a speech to give in 15 minutes and I just need some prep time. I will be happy to meet with you after the rally. Linda, can you start moving people to the auditorium.
(Columbo and Democratic Party move behind the partition).
Democratic Party:
OK Lieutenant. What’s bothering you?
Columbo:
Last night, the wife and I were watching a documentary. We like watching documentaries, especially science stuff. She likes the big animals. Elephants, moose, whales. Those big animals with their mating rituals get her in the mood, if you know what I mean.
Democratic Party:
And where’s this going?
Columbo:
The documentary we watched last night was called “Hypernormalization 2016.” Not science, but maybe political science. It is about how political players stage events, like this event here, to create a certain mood or feeling. Well, the political parties have always done this. But according to this documentary, the political parties are getting better at it. They’re now often bringing in secondary actors to make the event more serious than it really is. Like paying people to be here tonight. Like bringing in paid protesters, then arresting the protestors. With TV cameras all around. That shows politicians fixing things for us.
Democratic Party:
I’ve heard of that documentary. But I’ve not had much reason to watch it. I don’t believe political events are that staged, even today.
Columbo:
You might be right. But it got me wondering. Why did Republican Party confess so easily to killing American Democracy? Was Republican Party manipulated somehow into this deed?
Democratic Party:
If he was, it didn’t come from us. Stick around Lieutenant. You will hear nothing but old-fashion politics tonight. We open wallets and hearts. But nothing to manipulate our enemy.
Columbo:
Thanks I certainly will. I told the wife I might be late tonight. . . . But I have one question: Who benefits with American Democracy dead and Republican Party in prison?
Democratic Party:
Lieutenant, I don’t like this insinuation. And I have a speech to give. I will now leave this conversation. You can stay if you want. Or you can go.
THE END
In the world of TV police dramas, Lieutenant Columbo would find a way to prove that Democratic Party manipulated Republican Party to kill American democracy.
In the real world, this drama has not yet fully played out. Even if this supposition is true, it would be hard for even Columbo to prove this detective hypothesis, beyond a reasonable doubt. So there is not a satisfactory ending to this theatrical play.
Most of my Medium writing is positive. About building a new democracy.
But, occasionally I am sometimes critical of current democracy, especially the Democratic Party. When I go in this bashing direction, I not only get more Medium traction, I am often chastised by vote-blue-no-matter-who apologists who enjoy setting me straight. They don’t like it when I give the other political party some ammunition.
I have mentioned the paradox of the Epstein files in several of my Medium articles. But for this particular issue, no one has chastised me for bringing up this perspective. Here is one of my more popular bashing articles:
The Democratic Party Cannot Save the USA.
I believe the internal psyche of the Democratic Party has put itself as the natural political party for the USA. They have earned this position mostly because the Republicans are governing so poorly — and the Democrats will always be elected because they are the only reasonable option. In other words, the Democrats are setting up the Republicans to be a weak foil, unable to acquire political power. So the Democrats always rule. Whether this strategy will work or not is uncertain.
But in their mind, you, a reasonably wise voter, have only one place to cast your vote.
It may be part of a deliberate back-room strategy. Or it may be a natural evolution of overly ambitious people trying to acquire power by denigrating their opponent. I can’t prove this psyche. Or maybe I am just overthinking things. I don’t know.
Whatever the current democratic situation is, is it satisfactory to you?
Just One More Thing
I am an inventor of a new democracy: Tiered Democratic Governance.
American democracy is breaking down. It elected Donald Trump --- TWICE. No further evidence is needed.
It seems natural that we, who are not in the back rooms of power, should be investigating new ways.
So when will you start investigating this new way?
Published on Medium 2026
The Year is 1776. Would You be a Patriot?
